Should It Be Illegal To Make Children Choose Who They Want To Live With During Divorce?

By Marie Owens-Guest Writer

Divorce laws are different for each state, including laws about children testifying, children choosing which parent with whom they would like to live, and the various decisions made on behalf of the children. Parents agree on how to raise their children, but during and after a divorce, they may not agree on what they should do with their children. This can cause the children to become more involved in the conflict than necessary. For example, one parent may continue to rebut their decision throughout a divorce or sometimes a parent can try to keep the children just as a revenge tool. Sadly, these issues can put the child right in the middle.

Divorce is already a stressful process for the children without putting them in the middle of the dispute. When children are forced to make decisions such as which parent they would like to live, it could cause behavioral problems, poor grades in school and other emotional issues. It doesn’t matter if you have a criminal justice degree or a psychology degree. Everyone needs to understand the emotional complications and issues that can arise in a divorce; especially when children are involved.

In some cases, the children may not wish to choose from one parent or the other. If the children are afraid of one parent, because of an abusive history for example, this could also cause behavioral problems and poor performance in school if the child is forced to live with that abusive parent.

There are two schools of thought on whether it should be illegal to make children choose who they want to live with during a divorce — and after a divorce. If it is illegal to make a child choose, then the ability for the child to choose voluntarily may be compromised. If the voluntary choice is compromised, then a child might be forced to live with a potentially abusive parent.

Whether the abuse is emotional or physical, it affects the child in such a way to cause low self-esteem, poor performance in school and many other behavioral problems. When a child acts out, he or she may even go so far as to physically abuse parents and pets, because he or she doesn’t know how to control his or her emotions.

If states allow children to choose which parent to live with, the child could be happy in circumstances where there is abuse from one parent. The problem with allowing a child to choose arises when the child loves both parents and both parents are equally involved in the child’s life and are equally loving and caring toward the child. This decision is a hard decision on a child or even a young adult. For example, the child may feel that if he or she chooses mom over dad, dad will think the child doesn’t love him or her. This causes a whole range of psychological issues with the child.

While most courts demand that the parents do not involve the children in the process of the divorce, even to the point of filing a standing order upon the filing of the case, there are going to be situations where the child may be forced to make a decision. If mom gets custody in a custody battle, but the child doesn’t want to live with her because she is abusive or has a substance abuse problem, the only person happy in this situation is mom. Generally, the courts will order home studies and psychological evaluations if substance abuse or physical and/or emotional abuse are alleged, and hopefully, the outcome is such that the child is put with the non-abusive parent.

In conclusion, “illegal” is a strong term, and it takes the possibility of making a choice away from a child. While most courts, depending on the state, will not even let a child make a choice until he or she is 12-16 years of age, the option should still be there. A child should feel that he or she is allowed to voice his or her opinion if he or she thinks his or her personal well-being is in danger. Even a young child can tell authorities that he or she is afraid of one parent and why. A child can always ask to testify on behalf of himself or herself if he or she understands the ramifications and the needs of such testimony. In extreme circumstances, a parent, guardian, relative or friend may step in and ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem, which is a person to represent the child in divorce proceedings. Depending on your state, a guardian ad litem could be an attorney, a social worker or volunteers in a program.

Allowing the child to choose depends on the child’s maturity level, age, and desires. Making the ability to choose illegal takes this away from a child that may need the ability to voice his or her concerns and make his or her own choice, or have someone to help him or her make the choice.

About the Author: As a prospective law student in Washington state, Marie Owens is particularly interested in criminal law and gender issues. She writes to promote criminal justice education, and teaches martial arts in her spare time.

Author can be contacted at: marieowens86@gmail.com